A Song For You, Part 7 (Final Chap)

AUTHOR'S NOTE: 
Thanks to everyone who's ever read and commented! *gives everyone a hug* As I've said before, I have never been in a more supportive or positive community before. Long live, you guys! :-)

If you haven't read the first six parts (or are interested to take a look), please feel free to check it out at my site, 

excesssummer.

That was that.

The last of his things packed and ready to go, the last of the containers of gunk and guyliner that he ever owned in their proper places, Adam sighed. He missed his family, that was sure, but he also knew he would miss the family he had made here. There were lots of good times, a lot of scuffling, but a lot of fondness.

Most of all, he would miss Kris. The thought of it, the thought of not waking up to see Kris’ smile, of listening to his little snory noises at night, of watching his sneaky practices at  three in the morning … the thought of it made his very soul wrench.

He purposefully avoided packing here with him today, not knowing if he would have the strength, the self-control for just one final hug. If he did, he might not let him go, ever.

Speaking of hugs, he smiled at the memory of their most recent one: this time initiated by Kris himself, surprising him from behind, the little sneak. He had been talking to the press, but when he felt Kris’ familiar arms around him, smelled his familiar clean scent, he forgot everything else. He could see Kris was still in shock, so he shook him slightly, grinning at him till his lips felt they would explode. Never was he prouder of Kris than tonight, never.

Oh, he almost gave in then. Kris looked so vulnerable, so bewildered, Adam wanted to take him up into his arms and keep him there forever. But thankfully, the bodyguards stepped in, uneasy at the sight of such affection, hustling them forward to avoid the glare of thousands of cameras that Adam now became aware of that were pointed in their direction.

Shit, he thought then. And Kris has no idea he’s going to fuel them now like crazy.

A soft knock on the door pulled him out of his reverie. “Adam?”

Adam did a double take on the voice, disbelieving. He had thought Kris had stayed in the hotel where his wife and family were, but he was here. Here. Of all the places he did not want him to be.

There was nothing for it, though. Kris’ head was in around the door, smiling in relief. “There you are. Thought you’d disappeared already.”

“Course not,” Adam grinned, outwardly calm. “And leave my boots here? No friggin’ way, man. You know what it cost them to ship this last minute? Keepin’ it, definitely.”

If Kris had noticed that the aforesaid boots were shoved under the bed and looked like they were not part of his luggage, he gave no sign. He laughed softly, scratching his head, then came in to the room, striding across to sit beside Adam. “Yeah. Well. Best to.”

Adam tossed his head, you betcha, then turned away. “You forgot something? Thought you packed yesterday?”

Silence greeted his question. That made Adam turn towards Kris, who was chewing his nails lightly, like an anxious kid about to ask his dad for more allowance. He raised his eyebrow. “Kris?”

Kris tilted his face to Adam’s. “I’m sorry, man.”

It was Adam’s turn to look puzzled. “For what?”

“The title. I know you so wanted it, and I didn’t know I stood a chance to win it. I mean, yeah, sure, I wanted it too, but not as much as I know you do. Your voice is like, totally fantastic, man, and I think if you would ask for a recount I won’t mind in the least…” he trailed off, shaking his head. “I’m not making sense, am I?”

“No. Not even a bit.”

“I don’t ramble well. Heck, I don’t speak well is all. I sing, and that’s what I do best.”

“And that’s exactly why you’re the American Idol.” Adam nudged Kris’ arm slightly, trying to shake the younger man out. “Don’t think I can’t see you beating yourself up because of this. You’re too nice a man, Kris Allen. Come on. I’m much too tough to be crushed by this. I’ll survive. And we’ll both make an album, and you and I will have platinum records, and we’ll tour and everything.”

Kris looked back at Adam, a soft grin spreading slowly over his face again. “Well. That sounds cool.”

“Of course it is,” he grinned. Silence fell again, between the two of them, slowly thickening. Adam was aware how closely they sat again, elbows on knees, faces inches apart. If he could see electricity, Adam could swear sparks were flying from his end.

Kris jerked suddenly, as if stung. “Wait.”

“Hm?” Adam asked, not willing the moment to end. “What?”

“Won’t the rumors bother you? I mean, if we tour together and stuff, won’t the talk about – this – about ‘us’ – ” he used his forefinger and middle finger to draw imaginary quotations marks around the word, “—annoy you?”

Adam sighed. He knew it would come to this, one day, even after the talk they had after the Kradam episode. Just as he knew Kris would shoot past him in the charts, climbing steadily while he did the rock scene. He didn’t mind that, but he did want to avoid this kind of conversation for as long as he could hold. Apparently, skirting the issue would not be the fate of this one.

“No, it wouldn’t,” Adam replied, softly. He twisted his body gently to face Kris, in this moment, a now or never. “If there was an us, it would never annoy me. You could never, ever annoy me, Kris Allen. Don’t you know that by now?”

There was a slight frown in Kris’ face, an acknowledgement, almost a sadness. He stared at Adam, his brown eyes watching his blue ones. He exhaled softly, pursing his lips. “Yeah. Sorry. I know.”

It was so soft it was almost a whisper, but Adam heard it clearly, as clearly as if Kris had shouted into his ear. It was as if everything was slightly blurred around the edges, not quite focused, and Adam did not seem to know where things began and ended anymore. He was falling, falling fast, leaning into Kris before he even knew what he was doing.

And he was kissing him, his lips as soft as he always thought it would be, his day-old stubble tickling his chin.

Surreal, Adam thought. He was actually kissing Kris.

But Kris was not kissing him back.

The sudden realization hit Adam like a train, causing him to whip his head back in shock. Kris closed his eyes, briefly, then opened them again to watch him.

Not knowing what to do with himself, Adam stumbled off to the other bed, trembling, clutching his head in his hands. What had he done?

“Hey. Adam.” Kris’ hand was on his shoulder, shaking him.

Adam groaned, moving away from his touch. He could not trust himself to stay chaste around Kris Allen, and he wasn’t going to risk anymore humiliation than he already gave himself. He was surprised Kris hadn’t decked him. Not yet.

“Hey, man, it’s alright,” Kris urged him, concern apparent in his voice.

With supreme effort of will, Adam lifted his head a fraction of an inch off his hands. He was afraid to meet Kris’ eyes, afraid to see condemnation there, although it was something he ate for breakfast ever since he had decided to come out of the proverbial closet. “Shit. I’m – I’m sorry, dude. I didn’t mean …”

To his surprise, Kris chuckled. “Of course you did.”

Now this was another turn of events Adam did not anticipate: nothing seemed to be the way they were anymore, not after Kris. “What? Don’t fuck with me, Kristopher Allen. I am so not in the mood. I just embarrassed myself about a gamillion times, and you’re gonna sit there like it’s damned nothing?”

“It’s not nothing, I know that, Adam.” He sat beside him again, weight shifting the mattress. “I’ve known, for a long time.”

“You have?”

“I’m not a prude, Adam. I know you’re watching me. All the time. I know you come down to see me practice late. I know you watch me when I’m sleeping, when you think I don’t know. I may be Christian, but it doesn’t mean I’m blind.”

“Well, hell,” Adam groaned. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Tell you what? That I know? How would that change anything?”

“For one thing, I wouldn’t need to hide.” Adam shook his head, wondering how he thought Kris to be so oblivious. “And I could’ve tried harder to jump you, if I had known you weren’t such a prude, you dipshit.”

Kris seemed to be completely tickled by that, breaking into a belly laugh that made even Adam smile through his utter shame. Kris looked at Adam, shook his head, and burst out laughing some more.

Finally Adam laughed along, feeling a great, heavy weight lift from his shoulders – a weight he had carried for too long, too patiently. They laughed together till tears came, till they were both gasping for air.

Quiet now, Kris put a fond arm around Adam. “Man. Be glad you didn’t jump me. Imagine if the press got wind of that? They’d have a friggin’ heyday. And then where would we both be?”

Adam leaned into Kris’ light hold, reveling the freedom of it, savoring the moment. He had never felt safer in anyone’s arms for a long, long time. “Prob’ly out in the street, trying to get someone to listen to us that wasn’t OK Magazine or something. Or at least I’d be. Or maybe, if they were feeling generous, we’d still get to record, but some crap song like …"

“’No Boundaries’,” they said together, laughter starting all over again.

Kris squeezed his arm one last time, then went back to leaning on his elbows. “Could you believe all of this? Few days ago we were both cursing the hurricanes in that song. Now we both get to sell it. Hilarious, man.”

Adam smiled, but there was still a question, a question he needed to ask, now that things were out in the open. “So – Mis-ter Allen. Where do we go from here?”

“Eh? Tour. Albums. Duet, maybe. I don’t know.”

“Stop playing oblivious with me. You know what I mean.” Adam breathed out, a long, shuddering exhale. “God help me, but I love you.”

Kris sighed, putting his face into his hands. “Yeah.” After a few moments of silence, he looked up again, meeting Adam’s face squarely. “Adam, you were – you still are – my best friend here, in this competition. You’ve been as supportive as anyone in my family in what I’ve chosen to do. No one is as lucky as me to have you as a roommate and friend.”

Adam braced himself, not willing to hope, and yet hoping. Was that so bad?

“… but I am a married man, and I love my wife. I am nothing if not straight, and from day one you know I never treated you different, even if you said you were. And I love you, man, as truly as a brother loves his own.”

There it was. Out in the open. Adam forced himself to smile, to acknowledge his choice, to respect it. Did anyone ever say that a heart could break slowly, one at a time? Shit. Those people were wrong. Hearts broke all at once, in a million pieces, in ways one can never put back. “I understand,” Adam said, meaning it and hating it at the same time.

“I knew you would.” Kris smiled at him. He stood up, then shoved his thumbs into his pockets, like he usually did. He turned on his pivot foot, as if making his mind up. Then he stilled, watching Adam, then, in one swift movement, pulled him up into a bone-crushing hug. “I knew you would,” he whispered fiercely into Adam’s jacket.

Adam had hardly memorized his hug, his smell, his feel against him, when Kris pulled away. “Hey, gotta go. The wife and the family are waiting. We’re off to church. Unless you wanna go with us?”

Adam chuckled. “Not really.”

Kris smiled, a crooked, goofy grin that was so cartoonish and yet so real at the same time it irked him. “Oh. Right. Well.”

Smiling back, Adam laid one last hand on Kris’ shoulder. “Go, now. Before I forget and we end up on the headlines anyway. You have no idea how much self-control I’ve used up these past months, I might have none left.” He tried to laugh, but came out empty.

Kris nodded, serious again. Adam watched him turn and slowly walk away.

One hand on the doorknob, Kris paused briefly. He exhaled loudly, pursing his lips in the usual way, which Adam recognized as his back-to-earth moment. He tilted his head slightly to one side, looking back at Adam and yet not really doing so.

“Adam,” he said, once again, staring at the doorknob as if it were trying to tell him something. “You remember our conversation, one night, about what made me complete? I told you it was my music. And my wife. And God.”

“Yeah?” Adam asked, wondering. What the heck is this now?

“You might not believe this, man … but… you’re the next on my list. Don’t ever think you didn’t rank up there. You’re a worthy man to love, Adam Lambert, and don’t you let anyone tell you different.”

With that, Kris was gone.

And Adam didn’t know why, but he was smiling like a fool.